My man.

My man.

10 Things You Can Do On Valentine’s Day That Are More Productive Than Complaining About Being Single

 

  1. Bake a cake that looks like Kim Kardashian. Use black licorice for the hair and black sprinkles for the facial hair. Then, throw that cake in the trash and go buy another one. Eat that cake in a dimly lit parking lot.
  2. Contemplate, for hours even, if you prefer Drake now, or in his Degrassi days.
  3. Go to a dog park. Find a golden retriever. Ask its owner if it’s a tabby or a calico.
  4. While at the dog park, find someone cleaning up dog poop. Ask them “How much for the whole thing?”
  5. Go through all of your Facebook friends and delete anyone who has ever posted a cryptic status in an effort to gain attention. These statuses include: “Ugh, I can’t believe this” or “Just got some really bad news…” or “Is this really happening?” You know what IS happening? You’re getting unfriended.
  6. Show up at a vegan restaurant with your own bacon and ask if they’ll cook it for you, extra crispy.
  7. Find a girl who always brings up her super-fast metabolism. Give her a Nutella IV.
  8. Switch the regular light bulbs in your grandparents’ garage with red bulbs. Sit back and watch as neighbors grow suspicious of your sweet Grammy and Gramps, and the police eventually question them about drug-related crimes.
  9. Find everyone you know who says “I seen” instead of “I saw.” Send them to Siberia to meet people who don’t know the difference between to/too, there/their/they’re, than/then…etc. I sent them there last Valentine’s Day.
  10. Go look in the mirror and give yourself a big high-five. Pick the shattered glass out of your hand and continue being the awesome, single person that you are!

Hi, Christmas. Remember me?

All it takes to ruin your day from the months of January to October is accidentally hearing a Christmas song. This is a sad and heartbreaking event for any Christmas-celebrating person. St. Nicholas taunts us with his jollies when we still have months to wait for his arrival and all that comes with it. I would officially like to take credit for the idea of a 6 month year, resulting in Christmas twice as often. You’re welcome.

7 Things I Wish I Knew As a Teenager

  1. Your metabolism will never be this good again. Enjoy those 6 Pizza Pops and 4 bottles of Tang as an after-school snack while you can, because there will come a day when just getting to put peanut butter on your celery seems like a real treat.
  2. Getting drunk is never, and will never be, as glamorous as it looks in movies (unless you’re Beyoncé). In movies, it’s drinking expensive champagne in limousines all night while good-looking people surround you, then you pop an Advil in the morning and you’re set. In real life, it’s drinking cheap vodka straight out of the bottle then vomiting behind a Taco Bell while your best friend holds your hair back (if she isn’t vomiting, too). Thanks a lot, movies.
  3. Never again in your life will you have allies greater than your parents. Sure, it seems annoying that your parents won’t let your fifteen year old self go to a college party. But, there will come a day when you realize it’s quite fair, and perhaps even wonderful, that your parents don’t want you to have your own teenager before your thirtieth birthday. Your parents are awesome.
  4. If your self-confidence is derived from what other people think of you, you are doomed. You have zero control of what other people think of you so spending your time trying to make people like you will leave you feeling exhausted, and ultimately quite crappy about yourself. Spend your time getting to know yourself and realizing all the wonderful things that are within you (and I don’t mean Pizza Pops and Tang). Once you know how awesome you are, it won’t matter if other people don’t. And believe me, you ARE awesome.
  5. Sex, much like alcohol, is not like it is in the movies. In movies sex is endlessly romantic, with no consequences, and it often somehow involves diamonds. In real life, romance and diamonds are replaced with panic and sweat. And alcohol. So much alcohol.
  6. Don’t aim for “pretty.” Aim for smart, or funny. Sure, that girl has a nice face but you’re smart enough to know that “legitly” isn’t a real word, and therefore, you win. Of course you can be pretty and smart and funny, etc. You don’t need to choose just one, but there’s going to come a time when being complimented on your mind feels way better than being complimented on your face. Smart and funny are great options, but “You can eat more Nutella in one sitting than anyone else I have ever met” feels pretty good, too.
  7. This one is really important: Do not, ever, under any circumstances, choose your best friends based on who you think will make you look the coolest, or most popular. Choose your best friends on who you can tell your deepest, darkest secrets to (like how sometimes you make a crib-like structure on your bed out of your pillows and pretend you’re an infant), and you don’t even have to tell them not to tell anyone because you both know it goes without saying. Choose the people whose bathrooms you can use comfortably, to be your best friends. Choose the people who you can eat to your heart’s content in front of without feeling ashamed, because they’re doing it too, to be your best friends. Choose the people who you laugh so hard with that other people think you’re being murdered, to be your best friends. And if you don’t have these friends in your life right now, I promise you they do exist and you will find them.

Well, I had better go. My Pizza Pops are ready.

 

10 Things I Have Learned From Serving in a Restaurant

1) If you’re even slightly female, you’re going to want the dressing on the side. You’ve got a figure to watch! But come dessert time, of course, you just “can’t resist cheesecake.”

 

2) If you’re a teenager and you see something on the menu with the word “alfredo” in it, you’re going to get it. And why shouldn’t you? Your metabolism will never be this good again. May as well order 17 soft drinks, too.

 

3) If you mess up a child’s order their parents will never forgive you. You have single handedly ruined that child’s chance of getting into Harvard by forgetting to ask the kitchen to go easy on the pizza sauce.

 

4) If you ask for a water and there is not a lemon sliced and resting on the rim of the glass, there will be hell to pay. Out of lemons? Run, don’t walk, to the grocery store. I’ll wait.

 

5) Some people will find something wrong with anything, because it makes them feel good to make you feel bad. Restaurants were made for these people.

 

6) Guys like steak. (Duh.) They’ll pretend they’re picky about how it’s cooked but they really just want meat in their mouth. It’s all very Freudian. 

 

7) The worst thing that can happen to a Canadian in an American restaurant is unsweetened iced tea and the worst thing that can happen to an American in a Canadian restaurant is sweetened iced tea.

 

8) One of life’s greatest mysteries is the diner who eats 90% of their meal and THEN decides to tell you it was no good. (See #5) That’s like taking a car for a 7 year test drive before you decide you don’t want it. These people are hard to accept, hard to be nice to, and hard to understand. 

 

9) EVERYBODY LOVES BOOTHS!!! It is engrained in our DNA to want to sit in booths. We will scoff at tables like they were designed for mere peasants, and demand a booth because we need privacy to talk about the weather, and other important things. 

 

10) The biggest lesson I have learned from working in a restaurant is that you will never, let me repeat, NEVER, make everyone happy. You can put all the lemons on all the waters you want, and someone is still going to hate citrus, and probably hate you in the process. But what makes a great server a great server, is that regardless of how upset you get when we don’t garnish your beverage to your liking, we’ll bend over backwards to please you (but not literally, in most restaurants).

A Note on Selfies

 

         Selfies are, by their very essence, uncomfortable. I consulted my brother for his opinion on them and asked what bothers him about them. His reply: “The fact that they exist.” Too extreme? You be the judge. Let me first acknowledge that I understand the word ‘selfie’ is an awkward one (mostly because it was created by horny 15 year olds) and it has recently been criticized for being so. I don’t feel like writing “a picture you take of yourself” each time I could just put “selfie” so kindly bear with me for now. As to limit my hypocrisy, if only for today, I should also point out that I am a regular utilizer of the selfie (and I don’t plan on stopping). It is also important to note that these rules don’t necessarily apply to celebrities (or to men *usually* because they aren’t as ridiculous as us on social media, ladies). Celebrities (Kim Kardashian doesn’t kount) are, by nature, infinitely cooler than you or I will ever be, and having people that are actually interested in seeing your face that close up affords you a lot of leeway in social media.

There is nothing more annoying than that seeing someone has taken a really great picture of themselves while you’re stuck at home putting Nutella on anything even remotely edible. It is distressing to imagine the thought process that occurs while taking a selfie, because we all know exactly what that thought process is. It ranges from  “This picture is going to look so good and so many people are going to ‘like’ it on Instagram and maybe so-and-so will see it and finally want to get it on” to “Hey, everybody! Come see how good I look!” to… Never mind, that’s really it. And is there anything so wrong with wanting to look good? Of course not. But here are a few simple guidelines for getting you through a selfie-centered world. 

1) If you are taking a picture of yourself, don’t act like you don’t care that you’re in the picture.  We all know that beyond that vacant stare is an arm eagerly trying to manipulate the camera to make you look as hot as possible. Selfies are never an accident, so don’t look so surprised that your arm decided to take a picture of yourself.

 

2) Under no circumstances should you hashtag your selfie with #selfie. No one is worried that some overeager paparazzi got very in your face to take a picture of you. We know you’re the culprit and using that hashtag is added embarrassment. Other unacceptable hashtags include #sexy, #hot, #babe, #pretty, #inspired, any reference to your hair colour, and #smart (you can imagine why).

 

3) Sometimes trying to justify a selfie is so much worse than a silent selfie. Let’s see this picture of yourself you’re so excited about without your awkward explanation of why you took the picture. There is no such thing as a “red lipstick kind of day,” and that’s a very stupid thing to say. When you have a “red lipstick kind of day” I have a “put your picture on a dartboard kind of day.” Do you see how that works? It’s the circle of life. Why don’t you try “it’s an I think I look cool and I want you guys to confirm that kind of day?” Honesty is important. And do not use a caption such as “new necklace!” when you are really just trying to showcase your breasts. That seems obvious.

 

4) Do your very best to actually be doing something cool in your selfie. I am guilty of taking a selfie to celebrate new glasses no one gives a shit about (i.e. My Tumblr avatar), and I have also utilized the “drunk in the passenger seat of a car” selfie on several occasions. Neither of those are cool at all and I accept that. I am trying to change. Next time I am at the Taj Mahal or atop Mount Everest, I will take the coolest pictures of myself to make up for my mistakes. Maybe I’ll even be naked, to garner a few laughs. If you can make your selfie funny (on purpose, because the serious ones are naturally very funny on their own), be it because you look ugly or are wearing something hilarious, even better! If you realize you’re never doing anything cool enough to warrant a selfie, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your life and join a club, or even leave your basement for a few minutes. 

 

5) Last, but certainly not least, the infamous duck face. Duck face might be everything wrong with selfies (and teenagers). I don’t know what it is about puckering our lips that makes us think we look extra sexy? Or does it make us feel less awkward? I don’t understand that, I’m not a scientist. But I do know that duck face is a well-known enough phenomenon that there is no excuse for it anymore. You cannot plead ignorance or say your face just does that. If your face just does that it has no business being broadcast into the social media atmosphere. When you do duck face it looks like you’re blowing out candles at your birthday party that nobody showed up to. Those are embarrassing childhood memories that no one should have to relive.

Well, I had better get going. We’re having salmon for dinner and I want to get a picture of it for Instagram.

 

       Signed,

     #blonde #girl #eating #salmon

 

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

The most appealing thing about Twitter is how much fun you can have in 140 characters, and ideally it takes less than 140 seconds. Perhaps the reward of writing a long blog post is much more satisfying because you’ve (hopefully) put more work into it, but as of right now, I don’t have the patience, or the ideas. Hopefully Mr. Feeny’s words of wisdom in the 30-40 episodes of Boy Meets World I’ll watch everyday in the meantime will give me both.

(Source: fallontonight)

Here’s Dexter, desperately trying to get Martha Stewart’s attention.

Here’s Dexter, desperately trying to get Martha Stewart’s attention.

Please enjoy this and laugh with me. I had a bad day.