Selfies are, by their very essence, uncomfortable. I consulted my brother for his opinion on them and asked what bothers him about them. His reply: “The fact that they exist.” Too extreme? You be the judge. Let me first acknowledge that I understand the word ‘selfie’ is an awkward one (mostly because it was created by horny 15 year olds) and it has recently been criticized for being so. I don’t feel like writing “a picture you take of yourself” each time I could just put “selfie” so kindly bear with me for now. As to limit my hypocrisy, if only for today, I should also point out that I am a regular utilizer of the selfie (and I don’t plan on stopping). It is also important to note that these rules don’t necessarily apply to celebrities (or to men *usually* because they aren’t as ridiculous as us on social media, ladies). Celebrities (Kim Kardashian doesn’t kount) are, by nature, infinitely cooler than you or I will ever be, and having people that are actually interested in seeing your face that close up affords you a lot of leeway in social media.
There is nothing more annoying than that seeing someone has taken a really great picture of themselves while you’re stuck at home putting Nutella on anything even remotely edible. It is distressing to imagine the thought process that occurs while taking a selfie, because we all know exactly what that thought process is. It ranges from “This picture is going to look so good and so many people are going to ‘like’ it on Instagram and maybe so-and-so will see it and finally want to get it on” to “Hey, everybody! Come see how good I look!” to… Never mind, that’s really it. And is there anything so wrong with wanting to look good? Of course not. But here are a few simple guidelines for getting you through a selfie-centered world.
1) If you are taking a picture of yourself, don’t act like you don’t care that you’re in the picture. We all know that beyond that vacant stare is an arm eagerly trying to manipulate the camera to make you look as hot as possible. Selfies are never an accident, so don’t look so surprised that your arm decided to take a picture of yourself.
2) Under no circumstances should you hashtag your selfie with #selfie. No one is worried that some overeager paparazzi got very in your face to take a picture of you. We know you’re the culprit and using that hashtag is added embarrassment. Other unacceptable hashtags include #sexy, #hot, #babe, #pretty, #inspired, any reference to your hair colour, and #smart (you can imagine why).
3) Sometimes trying to justify a selfie is so much worse than a silent selfie. Let’s see this picture of yourself you’re so excited about without your awkward explanation of why you took the picture. There is no such thing as a “red lipstick kind of day,” and that’s a very stupid thing to say. When you have a “red lipstick kind of day” I have a “put your picture on a dartboard kind of day.” Do you see how that works? It’s the circle of life. Why don’t you try “it’s an I think I look cool and I want you guys to confirm that kind of day?” Honesty is important. And do not use a caption such as “new necklace!” when you are really just trying to showcase your breasts. That seems obvious.
4) Do your very best to actually be doing something cool in your selfie. I am guilty of taking a selfie to celebrate new glasses no one gives a shit about (i.e. My Tumblr avatar), and I have also utilized the “drunk in the passenger seat of a car” selfie on several occasions. Neither of those are cool at all and I accept that. I am trying to change. Next time I am at the Taj Mahal or atop Mount Everest, I will take the coolest pictures of myself to make up for my mistakes. Maybe I’ll even be naked, to garner a few laughs. If you can make your selfie funny (on purpose, because the serious ones are naturally very funny on their own), be it because you look ugly or are wearing something hilarious, even better! If you realize you’re never doing anything cool enough to warrant a selfie, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your life and join a club, or even leave your basement for a few minutes.
5) Last, but certainly not least, the infamous duck face. Duck face might be everything wrong with selfies (and teenagers). I don’t know what it is about puckering our lips that makes us think we look extra sexy? Or does it make us feel less awkward? I don’t understand that, I’m not a scientist. But I do know that duck face is a well-known enough phenomenon that there is no excuse for it anymore. You cannot plead ignorance or say your face just does that. If your face just does that it has no business being broadcast into the social media atmosphere. When you do duck face it looks like you’re blowing out candles at your birthday party that nobody showed up to. Those are embarrassing childhood memories that no one should have to relive.
Well, I had better get going. We’re having salmon for dinner and I want to get a picture of it for Instagram.
#blonde #girl #eating #salmon